A douche off the ol' block

I think we have a new leader in Douchebags - Punchable Face Division.



Come on, you know you this is don't you? If you do, congrats, but if you don't, please do take a minute to ponder before you go reading his douchetastic story.

Really, you know who this douche is, even if you don't.

Linkdump

It's expensive to be poor.

Poverty 101: We'll start with the basics. Like food: You don't have a car to get to a supermarket, much less to Costco or Trader Joe's, where the middle class goes to save money. You don't have three hours to take the bus.

So you buy groceries at the corner store, where a gallon of milk costs an extra dollar. A loaf of bread there costs you $2.99 for white. For wheat, it's $3.79. The clerk behind the counter tells you the gallon of leaking milk in the bottom of the back cooler is $4.99. She holds up four fingers to clarify. The milk is beneath the shelf that holds beef bologna for $3.79. A pound of butter sells for $4.49. In the back of the store are fruits and vegetables. The green peppers are shriveled, the bananas are more brown than yellow, the oranges are picked over.

(At a Safeway on Bradley Boulevard in Bethesda, the wheat bread costs $1.19, and white bread is on sale for $1. A gallon of milk costs $3.49 -- $2.99 if you buy two gallons. A pound of butter is $2.49. Beef bologna is on sale, two packages for $5.)

Harry Reid has got to fucking go! DDay tears into him like nobody's business.

Newt Gingrich - still a lying racist scumbag.

No big fan of Pelosi either, but it seems that maybe she is right on this one? Still not sure how to read all this stuff.

Ahhh, Republican TV pundits. So criminal, so insane, so stupid.

Krugman with another quote of the year candidate.

And the truth is that the Reaganauts were a pretty grotesque bunch too. Look for the golden age of conservative intellectualism in America, and you keep going back, and back, and back — and eventually you run up against William Buckley in the 1950s declaring that blacks weren’t advanced enough to vote, and that Franco was the savior of Spanish civilization.

McCain, still a deceitful douche.

Wingnuts - always pissing their pants in fear. And apparently unaware of Google.

Ways to reduce the cost of health care.

Clarkson DESTROYS the new Honda Insight. Brutal. (And here's a review of the 2001 insight by someone who just bought it used)

The Sports Guy goes head-to-head with Malcolm Gladwell, hilarity ensues. Part 1, 2, 3.

The Sports Guy on the Red Sox, steroids, and explaining it to his kid.

Best hair ever? No, I think that still belongs to that old prom picture I'm too lazy to look for now. Still... That site has some crazy stuff. Like what the hell is going on here???? Matching - just say no. And this, oh man. It caused quite a kerfuffle at another site I visit. But that's another story entirely.

Linkdump

More evidence that ethanol is a scam, "green"-wise. Unfortunately, politicians need Iowa, so nothing will ever be done about it.

So, wait... the "conservatives" are defending the "extremists?" Tart with more on the complete lack of understanding the nutzoids have, irony-wise. Remember "if you aren't doing anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about?" Hey, wingnuts: Suck. On. That.

Tbogg, in his own inimitable way, does a number on the wingnut umbrage. Also, he mercilessly mocks the teabaggers. And more.

Obama - kicking pirate ass since 2/19/09.

And speaking of pirates - EPIC FAIL by Newt et al. on Obama's handling of the rescue.

DAMN I love that video. Just think about this: these fuckheads wanted the captain dead. They don't give a shit about "life" in any form; they're just out for political gain.

Yes, tax the fuck out of soda.

Come on Bobby, what's it gonna be? You fuck.

More tea-bagging goodness. "If you are planning simultaneous teabagging all around the country, you're going to need a Dick Armey." *headdesk*

Iowa Republicans - not so familiar with the constitution, federal or state.

Palin's nominee for Alaska Attorney General - in favor of rape. And of course bigoted in many other ways.

Lies, damn lies and Ari Fleischer

Fuck Harry Reid. Better Democrats, please.

Goldman Sachs - their numbers are all bullshit.

Speaking crazy to power

Jon Stewart sets the wingnuts straight.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Baracknophobia - Obey
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

{crickets}

In Binghamton, an immigrant killed a lot of people. Predictably, the wingnuts pounced.

I notice this morning's cop-killing in Pittsburgh was committed by a white 'Merkun wingnut:

Police did not immediately release the gunman's identity, but his friends at the scene described him as a young man who thought the Obama administration would ban guns.

One friend, Edward Perkovic, said the gunman feared "the Obama gun ban that's on the way" and "didn't like our rights being infringed upon." Another longtime friend, Aaron Vire, said he feared that President Obama was going to take away his rights, though he said he "wasn't violently against Obama."

Come on Pam, come on Michele. What's your take on this one?

Mighty blow!

Wonderful takedown of the perfesser.

Don't ask, don't tell

Also, don't dare show your face in public because some cocksuckingmotherfuckingpieceofshitdouchebagwasteofhumanity civilian co-worker might see you with your girlfriend at Target when you were off duty and start an e-mail campaign to get you kicked out of the military.

Sad? Or laughable?

Or just plain insane...

Jon Swift breaks down the achievements of the right wingnutosphere.

Stupid? Or mendacious?

Why not both?

Examine this picture:


Now... are you thinking:
a) ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG! Obama has created his own "O" flag! He is a danger to the nation! That uppity negro! How unamerican is that?!?! What's wrong with the good ol' Stars 'n Stripes?!?!?!
or
b) Obama must have been speaking in Ohio.

I'll give you two guesses what the wingnuts are doing.

Quick hits

This is great, as JoePoz yarns usually are. And I do want to know more about NASCAR-centric Harlequin Novels.

Real estate? Bad. Credit? Bad. Retail? Bad.

Gizmodo reports that retail trouble is good for the consumer that has money to spend, though. The sales will be ridiculous, just to get people in the doors. Black Friday will be a bonanza for gadget shoppers with money.

So even if you want a POS GM vehicle, you need really good credit. That'll help car sales.

How to destroy your typical ignorant Republican pundit.

Remember, when Republicans yelp about voter fraud, it's projection. It always is. Voter fraud is their stock in trade.

I love how Bush signs laws, then declares he doesn't have to follow them.

Of course one of Bush's final acts will be to protect big business from product liability issues.

Jesus Assfucking Christ I hate religious Americans. And religion in general. Put me down for that one too.

"[Obama]'s neither-nor," said Ricky Thompson, a pipe fitter who works at a factory north of Mobile, while standing in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart store just north of here. "He's other. It's in the Bible. Come as one. Don't create other breeds."

Republicans. Still not funny.

"Why ship goods if we won't get paid?" Ouch. Yeah, that won't cause any problems.

Wingnuts in a nutshell

USA! USA! USA!

They call me... Angelos Tzelepis Smith

Your Gubmint - A Farce

A Quebec businessman whose name is one of the many that have erroneously landed on the U.S. Department of Homeland Security's flight passenger watch list has decided to change his name to avoid lengthy security hassles at the airport.

Mario Labbé, an executive with a Montreal-based record company, says his Canadian passport triggers a red alert on the computers of U.S. customs agents every time he tries to board a flight to the U.S. — which is about once a month for the past seven years.

"I was pulled aside in a room ... and you have to wait your turn to finally be released," Labbé said. "An hour, an hour and a half, two hours, whatever it is after. Once I was caught in Miami like that for six hours.

"It's always the same questions, about if I've lost my passport, if I've been to Japan — I don't know why Japan, but in their file it was something to do with Japan."

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security wrote a letter to Labbé in 2004, saying he had been placed on their watch list after falling victim to identity theft. At the time, the department said there was no way for his name to be removed.

Although Labbé wrote letters to the U.S. department, his efforts were in vain, prompting him to legally change his name. "So now, my official name is François Mario Labbé," he said. "Then you have to change everything: driver's license, social insurance, medicare, credit card — everything."

Although it's not a big change from Mario Labbé, he said it's been enough to foil the U.S. customs computers.

I look forward to one of my wingnut acquaintances trying to tell me how we're safer in any way.

UPDATE: Needlenose gives us this work of art:

Holy mother of bad writing

TBogg has the full story here, and you should read it. Typical waaaaaambulance wingnut, blaming her inability to get a job in academia on liberals, of course.

Here's a sample of her writing:

The red and green feathers shimmered in the sun, and I saw that they were roosters. They looked like the figures lining the gift display of the Café Latte, a place to which I was headed, and I walked there with eyes straight ahead.

I was setting down my heavy bag by a little table in the front when the pink-shirted Harley man passed by on the narrow sidewalk on the other side of the window. He didn’t need to in order to get to the Auto Zone next door. Two layers of glass separated us. Then he disappeared.

I walked to the back. I had already had too much coffee that morning, so I ordered a cinnamon steamer from the boy playing a computer game behind the counter.

...

I pulled out the envelope thick with papers written by cloth-capped boys now likely commandeering Jeeps down Barnett Shoals, the hairs even on their legs glistening in the sun. I sighed at the beginning of the first one that started with, "in today’s society." There was no one to catch it, or my laugh.

I was poised with red pen, the cup of frothy sweet milk to my lips when Harley man passed by on his way back. He had a box marked in black and red in his hand. I thought he might nod, but his look was a reflective stare. The thin mouth was set in a straight line behind the carefully trimmed brown whiskers. The look said nothing. Even when I smiled it did not change.

That's just a whole new reference point for "bad" right there. It may have nothing to do with baseball, but I kind of wish the guys from FJM would take a stab at it anyway.

When Republicans imagine sex

Want your dick to shrivel?

Here's Bill O'Reilly:

Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. She had signaled her desire by removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch. She closed her eyes, concentrating on nothing but Shannon's tongue and lips. He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone. Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly. (Bill O'Reilly, Those Who Trespass: a Novel of Television and Murder)

And here's William Fucking Buckley:

On Monday afternoon, Ayn's eyes were especially luminous when Nathaniel came in, as expected, at three. But this time she led him upstairs to a room he had never laid eyes on, a bedroom with a king-size bed and not less than six oil pictures of Ayn on the walls, one of them showing her bare-breasted, the Ayn of twenty years ago. The shades had been drawn and Nathaniel could savor the scent. Today her lover was being welcomed with synesthetical concerns for all the senses, only the music missing. But as he lay and later groaned with writhing and release, he brought the full force of his mind to transmuted, volutptuarian elation in this physical union with the very woman who had created John Galt and Dagny Taggart and Henry Rearden, and had touched down her scepter on him, Nathaniel, igniting his mind, and his own scepter, which paid, now, devoted service.

"Ayn?" you ask. Yes. "Ayn." Your worst fears are realized. William F. Buckley wrote a sex fantasy about Ayn Rand. And lest we forget, he name-checked some of her characters. That is so very not gay!

You now have my permission to leave and wash your brains out with bleach.

You're back? Good.

Now, some questions:
a) Does this amuse you as much as it does me?
b) Isn't the "party of values" supposed to be against teh pr0n? Especially the bad pr0n?
c) "within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly" Does it even remotely surprise you that falafel-boy has no technique? Does that scene in Python's Meaning of Life come to mind? "What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy." Actually, Mr. Cleese, BillO didn't even stop at the clitoris. He just jammed his tongue right in her twat. And moved it. Rapidly.
d) Does it make you fucking laugh out loud that Bill Fuckin' Buck thought he could maybe disguise the fact that he was writing wingnut wanking material by using words like synesthetical, transmuted, and voluptuarian?

OK, time for another bleaching session.

I'll see you when I recover.

Does your god approve of your current course of action?

Ugh.

A Granville man is accused of driving 40 hours nonstop across the country and threatening to rape two girls -- ages 15 and 6 -- whom he met playing an online video game.

Joshua R. Stetar, 20, a self-described "very conservative" Christian who hoped to someday be a Christian school teacher, used mobile text messages to threaten the girls as he drove near their home in Spokane, Wash., police said.

It came after months of stalking the older girl through hundreds of text messages, police said.

"Tell the cops that I'm gonna rape you and your sister," Stetar allegedly wrote to the 15-year-old girl, last week.

...

Stetar sent packages and flowers to the older sister at her family's home several times this year, flooded her cellphone with several hundred text messages -- and even flew to Spokane on Oct. 23 to stake out the girl's home, Kirkpatrick said.

Stetar's Myspace page is filled with Bible verses and also includes the message: "How can I know for sure that I am going to Heaven? First, you must accept that you are a sinner."

His page also includes a video clip of talk show host Bill O'Reilly criticizing Hollywood actors for their anti-war stances.

(emphases mine)

No, really, my question was serious. Where does stalking and threatening to rape a 15- and a 6-year old fit into your god's plan? Is that something you picked up in Sunday School? Also, shouldn't part of "accept[ing] you are a sinner" be trying to not sin? Or is sinning OK, as long as you have the self-awareness?

Maybe that's where we normal folks get it wrong. We don't have the temporary cleansing effect of confession, or the option to become "born again;" we just have to live with our consciences. Then again, we don't consider the filthy things we did to our S.O.s last night sins, so that's one less burden to carry.

Anyway, as we were discussing this over a hungover breakfast this morning, the thought that kept running through my head was "how didn't he, at some point in the 40-hour odyssey, realize what he's doing was wrong?" Being a "very conservative Christian" and all? Where was god, in all of this?

I mean, I understand a crime of passion. Not excuse it, mind you, a crime is still just that. But a flash of wrong-headed thinking, I get. If this were me (this guy lives about 40 miles away), I'd get half-way to Syracuse, and ask myself "did I bring enough diapers?" No... wait... scratch that. I'd ask myself "what the fuck are you doing?" Two hours, max. That's all it would take.

Weekend Linkdump

There was a lot of great stuff out there this week, and I got nuttin'. I have a couple posts in draft form, but until they're finished, here you go:

Chris Dodd rocks.
Five greatest alcohol stories.
That "press conference" FEMA held about the wildfires? 100% fabricated. Just the way wingers like it.
Pizzas of death.
Even Republican "diplomats" don't want to go to Iraq, so they're conscripted or fired.
John Edwards is the man.
Wingnuts explain how they love children, but they just don't want to insure them.
The best motherfucking "Lost Pet" sign ever.
Chris Dodd rocks some more.
A really funny collection of blog posts that went nowhere.
The "War on Christmas" is starting early this year. DAMN are winguts gullible and stupid.
A depressing interaction with the deli clerk.
The looming real estate disaster looms larger and larger.
Best. Caption. Ever.
Michell Malkin flecks some spittle at a company suspected of fraud, because it's owned by George Soros. Wingnuts flock right behind her. Unfortunately, she didn't take 5 minutes to discover that Soros sold the company (after turning it around completely) to to some Republicans. Who obviously couldn't maintain that level of success, so they did what Republicans do. Namely, resort to fraud. Too funny.


And this. Holy shit, this...

The Ten Most Dangerous Organizations in America, according to Family Security Matters:

10) ThinkProgress
9) Muslim Student Association
8) CodePINK
7) American Civil Liberties Union, National
6) Family Research Council
5) Center for American Progress
4) League of the South
3) MoveOn.org
2) Universities and Colleges
1) Media Matters for America

The most dangerous organization in America is one that watchdogs the media? Telling, that.

Psycho coward, qu'est-ce que c'est?, fa-fa-fa-FA fa-fa fa-fa FA fa

So much goodness.

Facing a draft, Nugent bravely wet his pants

So Ted Nugent roams a concert stage while toting automatic weapons, calls Barack Obama "a piece of -----" and says he told Obama to suck on one of his machine-guns. He also calls Hillary Clinton a "worthless bitch" and Dianne Feinstein a "worthless whore."

That Nugent, he's a man's man. He talks the talk and walks the walk, right?

Except when it was time to register for the draft during the Vietnam era. By his own admission, Nugent stopped all forms of personal hygiene for a month and showed up for his draft board physical in pants caked with his own urine and feces, winning a deferment. Creative!

He fits right into the GOP, doesn't he?