Yes, folks, it's time for awards for movies and performances I've never seen!
(Note: post-event edits are in blue. I was going pretty much unedited - except for typos - during the show.)
Toast is under the weather, so he won't be handling this awards show. I'm not sure how "active" this live-blog attempt will be, because I'm stuck in the basement while Erica uses her laptop for school and work-related purposes. But I'll give it my best shot.
7:00 - 8:00 - FSM, I hate Barbara Walters. Mr. Ford, banging the younger actress isn't enough? You have to wear that earring too? That was friggin' stupid-looking. Yes, I wore one too. When I was 20.
8:02 - That's a hot looking babe there, with Mr. Clooney. Apparently, her name is Sarah.
8:08 - OK, I'll say it. I love Regis. He's got the perfect balance of professionalism and not taking himself seriously. And he's fucking funny, when interacting with fellow smart and funny people (for example, he and Letterman just crack my ass up). But still, I have to say this is beneath him. Yes, I know he used to do this years ago, and this was widely touted as REGIS' RETURN TO THE RED CARPET!!!!!!
8:13 - Jennifer Garner, bringin' it. And still fucking Ben Affleck. Strange.
8:15 - I hate actors who don't watch their movies after they're filmed. Fuck, I'd be chomping at the bit to find out how all that effort added up. Now, I'm also ridiculously self-critical, so I can totally see myself cringing at everything I did, but still, I want to see the movie I was part of. This detachment strikes me as very phony.
OMISSION - I guess I was too busy typing to notice, but at every blog I'm following, D D-L's wife's/date's attired is getting slammed, even by Tracy here. Fuck, I missed it.
8:22 - Still haven't seen
Juno, but that girl is sure a cutie. And I am an old lech. I
LURRRRVVVVV me some Hilary Swank. And to think, she was in KK3. Love those laugh lines
(and crow's feet). Stay away from the botox, Hilary. Don't be assimilated into the Borg.
8:30 - 8:42 - Very cool intro. Obviously, the technical side of this has been in the works regardless of the writers' situation. I'm glad it got resolved in time. Kate Blanchett is unFSMly gorgeous. Jon's had some nice lines so far. AWESOME slam on
Norbit. Gaydolph Titler is a winner. Overall, weak monologue. Funny, but not in Billy Crystal/Steve Martin territory. Also, no where near as good as the first time Stewart did it.
8:48 - Oh, yeah, Ellen did an AMAZING job. I hope she's still in the rotation.
She is by far my favorite female comedian, and definitely in the top 5 overall.8:50 - Nice retrospective there, but WHY CELINE DION!?!?!?!?!?!?! Also, I'm sure they had a lot of this stuff in the can just in case there were no writers to do stupid teleprompter jokes, but I hope there isn't too much of it. Still, I always get chills at this sappy stuff.
8:53 - Steve Carrell is always funny.
8:54 - Still haven't seen
Ratatoullie. Damn job and stuff, not allowing me to plow through 10 movies a month. It's on the queueueueue somewhere.
8:57 - Heigl is a cutie too. But can you really be that nervous reading shit off a screen?
8:58 - Blah blah blah. DAMN, they gave her no time... Must be because of their privilege. Or maybe because no one gives a shit. Conti, you BASTARD!!!
8:59 - OK, I apologize for that last comment. Must be the ouzo talking. And the bitterness.
9:01 - I'm calling it right now. This song should not win any award for anything. Unless it's a Razzie.
9:05 - Good time for commercials. I picked a scab, and now I'm bleeding profusely.
9:07 - Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?
9:11 - Bleeding update. It's right on the bridge of my nose, so I'm just going to let it flow and see if I can freak the wife out. ZOMBIE!!!!!
9:13 - Hey! A real award!! Damn, I am a fucking
sap! Retrospectives and cheesy string music always give me goosebumps. And well, Cuba, it's been all downhill from there, hasn't it? You know what? It's OK to say "no." "No, I will not do another stupid family movie. Or gay cruise movie. Or... whatever." OK, great list of actors here. I have seen none of these movies, but it does not really seem like you can lose with these choices. Wow. Hal Holbrook. Great career, with not a shred of stardom. Love those type of actors. OK, crazy killer takes the award. Hey, anything the Coen brothers do is good, so I'm not going to argue.
9:22 - Stewart confirms my worst fears. Without the writers, we'd have montage hell. OK, that was truly funny.
9:25 - Music from the Oscars. Um, pee-break. Also, I have to proof a paper Erica wrote. I'm a master editor.
9:40 - OK, we're back. Wife is done working, so we're together on the couch, and I have her laptop now. Again, I can't comment on the performances themselves, since we've seen none of the movies, but just going on name recognition alone, and pre-Oscar predictions, Tilda Swinton seems to be kind of an upset.
9:45 - From the wife: Jessica Alba just barely passed Hooked on Phonics. I must agree.
9:48 - Go Coens!!!!
9:50 - OK, if they throw an anti-piracy screed into this "process" mini-doc, I'm gonna have to choke a bitch.
(Maybe too inside there. I've been thinking I need to re-watch that Wayne Brady skit on Chappelle Show. That was insane.)9:52 - Fuck you, Haloscan.
9:53 - Hannah!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG!
9:55 - Erica thinks these are all recycled bridemaids' dresses.
10:01 - Nice baby gag there.
10:03 - Sound editing is one of those things that you only notice when it's bad.
10:07 - Erica wants to grow a beard so she can look like Halle Berry too.
10:10 - Hey! Forest Whitaker is sober! You know why they save the male awards until later? It's the patriarchy. Anyway, another upset, based on the predictions.
10:20 - Erica thinks Colin Ferrell is "skeevy hot."
10:28 - SQUINCHY!!!!! I'd still fuck her.
10:32 - Now it's time for a montage!!!
10:44 - "Versatile and handsome." In the context of this circle-jerk, that's almost a backhanded compliment.
(This was about Patrick Dempsey.)10:45 - OK, how did none of Eddie Vedder's songs from
Into the Wild get nominated?
10:51 - I HATE when the first person talks so much that the second person gets shut out. And, all jokes aside, why does the guy always go first? Seriously, in that situation, if I went first, I'd be the most chivalrous fuck on the planet. Thanks, thanks, thanks, here take the microphone.
10:56 - ROCK THE FUCK ON, Jon Stewart. He has earned
major sex coupons with the wife tonight. That was possibly the best thing I've ever seen on the Oscars. Fuck you, speech-timers!
11:10 - Big-name wise, other than 3 people, that was a pretty minor death-list. So disappointing, I actually look forward to the tear-jerker portion of the evening.
(Bergman, Kerr, Ledger)OMISSION: Somehow I missed the Best Actress award. I see it went to the French actress in La Vie en Rose. I might have been in the bathroom, or in transition between my computer and the wife's laptop. I guess that was an upset too. Interesting evening.
11:15 - Hey, didja notice that 4 out of 5 original scores were by Italians? I think that says something about how our education system ignores the arts.
(The more I think about it, the more I realize how many Italian movie scorers I can name. This country really needs to appreciate artists as much as it does businesspeople and athletes. Sure, someone needs to make a billion dollars with a truly good product. Sure, someone needs to make a great athletic play that we'll talk about for generations. But someone also needs to compose a beautiful piece of music, and paint a beautiful painting, and be famous for it. I'm not saying it isn't done by Americans, but it sure isn't known by Americans.)11:18 - I hope Tracy woke Toast up for Tom Hanks. Toast luuurrrvvvvsss him some Tom Hanks.
11:30 - OK, this is another big'un. Again, I haven't seen any of them, but look forward to them. Will the upset trend continue? Nope. Daniel Day-Lewis. Certainly a favorite. Didn't I see that hair on some other guy, about 5 years ago? Help me out here, folks. Johnny Depp?
11:45 - We're on DVR-pause delay here. Martin Scorcese has looked exactly the same for 20 years now. COENS! YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!! Those guys are infallible, in my book.
11:48 - OK, Erica's going black
(Denzel). I just hope she comes back. "He's just yummy." Duly noted.
11:50 - Awesome. Truly awesome. The Coens are the best we have, if you look at body of work. I love this evening. And no Herbie Hancock in sight. Maybe now I should go and watch these movies. I think in two months I'll do an Oscars-redux post, with retroactive opinions.
254 comments! To put that into perspective, that tops any
month I've had so far. Thanks to all the Toasters for joining me.