The talking trees salute you, sir

Albert Hoffman, dead at 102.

First time I dosed, Friday the 13th, 11/87, saw an Alice Copper concert at RPI. That kind of synergy can't be topped. Of course, the guys who gave me the tabs didn't know I already had a ticket to the show, and I just kind of disappeared on them, so they were all kinds of freaked out. We dosed him and lost him! About 3 hours later, I walk back into the House, and there was much relief. "You're OK!" "OK?! I'm fucking great! Let's play pool!"

Some tripping silliness (GD show at Rich Stadium, Buffalo):
Kim: Look at these trails. They're beautiful.
Angelos: I can't see your trails. They're not tangible.
Kim: Oh, yeah.

My all-time favorite, which cracks me up to this day, happened at a Jerry Garcia Band show. We were able to score three tickets, 2 on the side, one on the floor (see floor chart). Really not too far apart. Since B was there with his girlfriend R, I took the floor ticket, with the understanding that B and I would trade at some point, just so he could wander the floor for a little while.



About an hour into the show, there was a slight lull between songs, and the crowd was just mildly buzzing (no pun intended). Prefect time to get B's attention. Using my best arena voice, I turn left and yell:

"HIPPIE!!!!!!"

That's his nickname, after all.

He didn't hear me. About 50 other people did, though. As they turned to look at me, bewildered and confused, I realized exactly what I had done. I collapsed in a heap of spastic laughter, and was probably out of commission for two or three minutes. A couple guys helped me up, and asked "what was that all about?" When I caught my breath, I tried to explain. Then I started laughing again. Never mind.

I walked over to B&R, traded ticket stubs with B, and he wandered around the floor for a while, while I hung out with R.

The greatest thing I've ever said. Or yelled. Whatever.

My sense of humor is wide-ranging and all-encompassing. But the absurd... the absurd takes the cake.

The Dugout, on Roger Clemens

	HGHLOL: Are you SERIOUS? You cheated on me for 10 years with a minor! That's statutory rape!
	OldLOL: Now to be fair I only statutory raped that girl for 3 years. After that it was perfectly legal.

And so much more.

Bonus Dugout: How not to play GTA4.

Hey, let's creep TJ out some more!

Here's Hulk Hogan helping his daughter out with some sunblock.



I'm not sure what the age cutoff for this is, but I am sure it's long passed...

Lesson #1

How to throw a tirade.

25 years ago today, Cubs manager Lee Elia, um, spoke his mind.



100% NSFW.

Turn it up, and enjoy.

Jon Stewart, you almost cost me a brand new $50 keyboard

UPDATED!!!

During his take-down of the hearing over the effectiveness of "abstinence education," he was making fun of ultra-wingnut Sam Brownback.

Brownback said something about "modern culture" going against the teachings in his household. To which Stewart retorted something along the lines of "boys have a God Stick, girls have a Shame Cave, and we'll never speak of this again."

Just, of course, as I had taken a sip of my Chivas.

I'm usually up on the lingo, but those were new to me. Fortunately, I was able to redirect my spit/cough toward the general vicinity of my trash can. Still had some clean-up to do, but better that than all over my computer.

UPDATE: Here it is...

There is such a thing as too close...

Encouraging your daughter to be a porn actress: bad.

Encouraging her to work at at whorehouse: worse.

Giving her her Brazilians and other "maintenance": GAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

I get spam

Subject: Aborter

Ciao,

Incrrease Sexual Enerrgy and Pleeasure!

Out. Evad. Here i swear it, and all you spirits with satyavati's
acquiescence, the nuptials approached, about him. His sergeant
saw him. You, bunthrop, by us, o puissant vrihaspati, at
once deep as it tickles one so funnily in the neck. Do you
and chapter after chapter, the fact that all swearers sink
their sharp fangs and suck up his life's will drink their
blood. And, o krishna, thou shalt both the great asuras,
resolved upon their destruction, among men and prince of
the bharata race, aditi, to shoot at. And you have not got
him? Asked another nodded, and moravia went on: but you
need not for selling the farm is the very last resource
who are given to the performance of sacrifices, was one
of the first places taken by the normans,.
isdidldhicaaaclngi.

This nation is doomed

This makes me sick to my stomach.

Because it's always fun to point out what a failure GWB is

With this record of success, of course he became president!

This is a nation of morons, after all.

This man is just a little strong

That's some torque, right there.

Link dump

Busy busy busy, and 3 larger posts in draft mode, so here are a few interesting things:

This is absolutely stunning. I want to see this happen in person, because I still don't believe it.

Living green + gender. Brilliant post.

Every time you think the wingnuts have reached the depths of stupid and immoral, you find out they just keep digging. Determined lot, they. In a sane nation, this would be beyond comprehension.

Wingnuttia in full bloom.

Your grocery bill is only going to get worse. In other news, my brewing supply shop has 5 varieties of hops. Last year at this time, it was 25.

Our soldiers are killing themselves at alarming rates.

Arson up, trending in correlation with bankruptcy and foreclosure. Who needs jingle mail? Just burn the fucking thing down!

Another most excellent FJM beatdown.

Date-rape drugging thwarted by intended victim, aided by perpetrator's own stupidity. Ahhh, to be judge, jury, and executioner for these fucking scumbags. Now, I wouldn't call an ice dancer a "celebrity," but clearly she's not "just" JoAnne in Des Moines. That I've seen this at multiple blogs indicates that the fact that this happened to "somebody" might lead to hope about increased awareness... fuck it, who am I kidding. She was smart, and she got lucky. I can't express enough how predation makes me boil. Rrrrrrgh.

If there was ever a post that perfectly attains the balance between offense and satire, this is it. To the uninitiated, this post would probably be considered a ZOMG!!! SEXIST and HE'S MINIMIZING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE post. Sorry, but no. This is pitch-perfect commentary.

In honor of what could be the best NBA playoffs is history (following a season that got me back to about a 60% interest level in the sport), we have the Duncan Face.

CBS News should just shut down.

The Army is more strict on fat soldiers than it is on criminal ones. Of course, BMI is an accurate indicator of... nothing.

A Top 50 list of awesomeness

50 best comedy sketches of all time.

Fantastic stuff; great way to kill a couple hours.

My eyes may be deceiving me...

..but I believe the Yankees just picked up what is known as a "clutch hit." Nice timing on that grand salami, Bobby.

Now let's see if the pitching can hold it.

Greetings from Philly!

Just testing out the post-by-mail system.

It's friggin' nuts down here, what withthe primary Tuesday.

Good times.

It's ectoplasm!

I've been neglectful in my South Park blogging, but the wife and I watched the last two episodes tonight off the DVR. I had seen them already, but I figured I would share.

Last week's "Eeek! A Penis!" was very good, covering
• gender identity
• trendy teaching methods (via Cartman as Edward James Olmos in Stand and Deliver)
• growing organs in labs
• Bill Bellichick, and all white people, cheating to get ahead (I misinterpreted the rules)
• abortion as career move

This week's "Over Logging" chronicled, quite accurately, our dependence on the internet, while sending up
• The Grapes of Wrath
• Internet porn desensitizing us to "real life" sexual stimuli
• long-distance internet relationships
• zombies

The two highlights were easily the newscasters not being able to get any news on why the internet was down, because they didn't have any internet; and, of course, Randy in the Red Cross trailer.

It's time like these I wish I could win the lottery

Seriously, who needs work when the complete papers of Charles Darwin are online? Who has time to work?

"Pew Pew" x 192 = ?

Another excellent ginormous laser project.

Not a fucking honest bone in their bodies

Cindy McCain's "family recipes" on the campaign site are exact duplicates of FoodTV recipes.

Yankees

With this pitching staff, who needs enemies?

Disgustification

TJ sent me this scary link of the 20 Worst Foods in America.

Ridiculous in terms of both content and portion size.

UPDATE: I had some stuff in draft form that I wanted to re-read before I posted.

It's wrong that that crap even exists.

I'll leave the fat-blogging to people more qualified than I (start with Kate, and go from there), but no one can tell me that this isn't part of the problem. I fully realize that "dieting," as an industry, is a crock of shit. And I realize all the "proper diet and exercise" in the world won't turn everyone into an underwear model. On the micro level, there are more issues with the politics of fat than I could list.

On the macro level, however, all I know is that at any given time, tens of thousands of people will be sitting at Chili's, Romano's, Outback, Macaroni Grill, Uno's, etc., eating a 1+ days worth of calories and 2+ days worth of fat and salt. This is bad for the national waistline and bad for national heart health.

No one should eat this crap, no matter what his size or health status.

On a tangent, do any of my readers eat at chains? Erica and I go to Uno's once a year, maybe. I do enjoy a BK or McD cheeseburger when we make a pitstop on the highway.

See, Erica and I eat very well on a daily basis. Lean meats, mostly good carbs, plenty of fruits and veggies. So when we go all out, we want to make it worth it. I want duck, rabbit, a filet mignon, something sensual and pleasurable. Throw in some rice and vegetables that have likely been smothered in insane amounts of butter (it's sick how much restaurants overuse it), and I'm probably right up there for that one meal.

But I had duck!!! Not a fucking bowl of french fries with ranch dressing.

Is part of this the financial issue? Is it because a night at at Olive Garden (ugh) or Outback the best "treat" a lot of families can do? I understand that not everyone can go to the Wine Bar, like the two of us did last time we went out.

Or is it a taste issue too? I know that even on 1/2 the budget of that last date night a month or so ago, we wouldn't be eating any of the crap that's on this list. That may sound classist, but it's more about knowledge than money. We both grew up, if not poor, on very small and tight family budgets. But we never lacked for food, fresh food that our parents cooked. Everyone in my family cooked, except for my maternal grandfather (very traditional setup in that side of the family - Opa ran the farm, Oma ran the budget and the house).

Help me out here. I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that some of this stuff exists.

We got beat by a boy

No, literally.

Steve (2) is Steve (1)'s 8-year old son.



81-point beatdown. Awesome.

Be still my beating heart

Tomorrow night, at this time, I'll rocking out in Troy, listening to one of the best.

Parents of the year

Fighting over which gang their kid should join.

My parents went through the same thing. My father wanted me in the South Saratoga Sheepfuckers, my mother in the Katskill Krauts. It got ugly for a while, but there you go.

Meet the brokers behind the disaster

The worse the terms of the loan they wrote, the more money they made.

The fisking to end all fiskings

FJM knocks another one out of the park.

Nerdtastic

Yankees update

They suck. Period.

Of course, it's quite early in the season, and they were worse last year for two full months.

I'm already tired of the announcers and their weather-related excuses. If the Royals can play in the rain and cold, the Yankees should be able to play in the rain and cold. It's that simple.

Yes, they'll go on their inevitable streak, and yes they'll make the playoffs. But this is a team that can't seem to play offensive baseball well for more than 2 innings a game, if that.

What does this add up to? Well, trying to figure out which team will beat us in the ALDS.

Why is this?

Let's go back to our (ideal) lineup:
Johnny Damon LF - done
Derek Jeter SS - still going, still 190 hits, more injury-prone with age
Bobby Abreu RF - solid, but streaky
Alex Rodriguez 3B - phenomenal
Jason Giambi 1B - done
Jorge Posada C - going downhill (nice contract year though)
Hideki Matsui DH - going downhill, streaks great or fucking abysmal
Robinson Cano 2B - good, still improving
Melky Cabrera CF - average, at best; great in the field

It's about time the talk of "great line-up top-to-bottom" and "1000 runs!!1!1!eleven!!!" and all that shit that hasn't been the case for 6+ years be put to rest.

Good enough team, and the Angels will kick our fucking asses in October.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die...

Everything's big in Texas.

I, personally, can't wait for whatever discoveries and practical science come from the world's most powerful laser.

Some links

Possibly the most awful thing you'll ever see. Pretty damned funny though.



A comprehensive look at the downfall of the New York Knicks.


(h/t to Bill Simmons - and his readers - for both of these)

My thoughts exactly

FJM wrote this post last night before I got a chance to.

When Morgan pulled the old "law of averages" nonsense I literally smacked my forehead. I mean, how fucking stupid can he be?

And then when the ump went down with a fastball to the temple, and they went to his microphone like it was a fucking snuff film... really, what did they expect other than shit and fuck?

I still can't decide whether this was High or Low comedy.

Mortgages in graphical form...

And that's just subprime. There are tons of "good" mortgages going into the shitter too.

Pay special attention to the correlation between construction rates and jobless rates.

Yankees.....

3 runs a game isn't going to cut it with that highly suspect pitching staff.

Mmmm, 5.4 ERA.

Must see!

Even more on the mortgage mess

Denver.

"The foreclosure epidemic has swept so quickly through this part of Denver that in less than two years, lenders took action on 919 of the roughly 8,000 properties here, according to city records. Their owners defaulted on more than $171 million in mortgages they had used to buy their way out of apartments and into cul-de-sacs. Many were buying homes for the first time, in what seemed the most affordable of the city's new subdivisions. They paid their way with easy credit — sometimes secured from aggressive lenders who appeared to look past the checkered credit histories and unstable jobs of some of their customers. Ultimately, many of the buyers couldn't afford their mortgages."

Your privacy, as it were

Gizmodo discusses the extension of the RealID deadline, and whether privacy concerns are even worth the argument any more.

Diaz makes some good points, and yes, for the most part the "privacy" cat is out of the bag.

Still, just because they've already got us by the balls, there's no reason to meekly go along with handing them a leash for our necks too...

I'm sure that never crossed his mind

Click the pic to read on....

Album review - here goes nothing

I've been avoiding this for weeks, because I don't express my emotions/feelings well, verbally or in writing. I get complimented all the time on my business/technical writing, because I speak English, which for most people is a welcome change from "out-of-the-box thinking to utilize our core competencies" bullshit. Try to express something real, though, and I go all Billy Budd.

Anyway...

Mike Doughty - Golden Delicious

(links are to the lyric sheets)

Fort Hood
“Fort Hood is the Texas Army base that has lost the most troops in the Iraq War,” Doughty says. “I visited some of the wounded troops at Walter Reed Hospital in D.C. and wondered what was going through their minds. When I first thought about using ‘Let the sunshine in…’ as the chorus, I thought it would be funny, but when I sang it, I felt myself tearing up. [‘Let the Sunshine In’] draws an obvious parallel to past quagmires, and all the vets who are suffering from PTSD. Once again the damage being done will not only be in lives lost, but in how those losses affect family, friends and society as a whole. The bridge laments the fact that instead of going to the prom, they’ve been given a burden they’re going to have to live with forever.”

“I'm not going to try to add anything to that," said Angelos, to no one in particular.

But then he went ahead and decided to snip this lyric:
I see them coming back; they’re motionless in an airport lounge

I Just Want the Girl in the Blue Dress to Keep on Dancing
Guy's playing a bar, a party, any small, crappy gig. It's cash, and you do what you gotta do. 90% of the people aren't paying attention. But there's always that girl up in front, dancing like inhibition isn't in the dictionary. This is a love song for her. An affair of the imagination, about 3 sets long, every night.

Blue girl, dance for me
The empty floor, and I said (ba-rum-pa-tum-pum)

Put it Down
Cut by the thorns, oh I must loosen my grip
Got to let the flower fall from my hand

and

My mind’s aggrieved and my belly’s ablaze
I have swallowed all the words that you said

Time to end it, girl. Typically, one does not feel the urge to do the butt-dance in one's chair while listening to a break-up song. But Doughty can do that to you.

More Bacon Than the Pan Can Handle
Um... this is a toughie. I, as a hard-core fan, get it. I've seen him live once (twice, come April 12th), and have 6 or 7 live shows downloaded, as he allows taping. To a Doughty noob, or a reviewer who was just randomly assigned this album, yeah, I see your "WTF?" and grant it to you. Basically, what started as a joke (FIRETRUCK!!!!!) has, over the years, morphed into a fantastically entertaining jam. Doughty has this keyboard where all the keys play pre-recorded vocal bits, and he just goes apeshit, with the drummer McNeal driving the pace. It has to be seen to be believed.

27 Jennifers
An oldie, from his solo acoustic demo days, reworked for a band. Funny, and true. Hell, my workplace of 26 people had 4 Jennifers at one point.

“When I went to high school everyone was named Jennifer, Michelle or Heather,” Doughty explains. “This is a salute to them.”

Fun groove, another total dance-in-your-seat song.

The nerd in me hates this line though:
You might be the one that I’ve been seeking for

"seeking"? Really?

I Wrote a Song About Your Car
I won't even to pretend to figure this one out. Sounds cool, though.

Dogged up by the rain
And at your door again
Seeking anything
I’m a roustabout
And I’m bound to roust you out


I Got the Drop on You
I won't even to pretend to figure this one out. Sounds cool, though.

Sorry isn’t good enough.


Wednesday (Contra la puerta)
A day in a lost life? An ode to the city?

Beep Josh on Sunday
Charm him into driving in from Queens
Coming up the staircase
Bringing tiny envelopes to me

Like a Luminous Girl
Another song of unrequited infatuation. Or is it? Is she really just the model in the big poster, or is she real?

Saw you in the subway station
Shining with a strange light
Girl, you’re like a weird vacation
How am I gonna make you mine?

Nectarine
My favorite of all themes. "Let's you and me get the fuck up out of here." Pretty much Born to Run, but 107 strangely twisted words instead instead of 3000 (OK, 302, I checked). And funky. Don't forget funky.

Navigating by the Stars at Night
Ennui. Depression. Shallow people. A touch of 'get the fuck out of this place.' And gimcrackery. Don't forget the gimcrackery.

Medicating in a minivan
...
Roll the road alone.


OK, I need to go to bed now, but I will continue this tomorrow, with a discussion of the overall feel of the thing, and I will try to explain how/why it means so much to me.

More on the mortgage mess

From Greg Palast, who does some excellent investigative journalism.

Of course, in another post, he cheers on Randi Rhodes, and the hateful "comedy stylings" that got her suspended from Air America. Beyond stupid. More about Rhodes here. That's just so annoying. Palast writes so much good stuff, then all of a sudden, BAM! "Look! I can be an idiot too!"

Monogany*

This is an interesting take on monogamy vs. finding your pleasure from various partners.

Aside from a couple over-generalizations, and a couple sentences where it seemed like she was going to get derailed on an ev-psych tangent, it's a very good piece.

The "lifestyle," as it were, isn't for everyone, of course. But if it works for her, that's awesome. Like a gazillion other people, she found herself divorced at 40. In wingnuttialand, she's useless, and can't have sex until she's married again. She's not supposed to enjoy sex anyway.

In the real world, she's a real person, with needs. And with options. She found what suits her best.

(*Boring sex with the same person. Coined at Domino's Pizza, Troy, NY, by Josh, Glen, Dave, and Angelos. Josh had just broken up with someone, and was talking about just playing the field for a while. "After 2 years of monogany, no need to find a 'girlfriend' right away." Of course, that was just a slip of the tongue, but it cracked our shit up. That word needed a definition, and pronto.)

Ricky Gervais on God

Awesome, and wonderfully succinct.

History! Photography! Baseball!

OK, I could just drop trou and "be alone with myself" I'm so excited.

This is so. Fucking. Cool.

Thanks so much to Petulant and his morning link-dump over at Shakesville.

Indoor soccer + hooligans + tear gas = WTMF?

Throw in cops with batons and shotguns, and it's fun for the whole family!

What the GOP destruction of America means for you

TJ sent me this wonderful link.

To the pain.

Bill James rocks

Fantastically entertaining Q&A with the godfather of baseball stats nerdery, at the always great Freakonomics Blog.

He's such a fucking wise-ass. You don't even have to care about baseball to be amused...

HEAD-ASS

I need to become an astrophysicist. STAT!

And this concludes the day in butt/ass blogging.

(h/t FJM. They're on fire, now that the season has started.)

In the Butt - Take 2

Of all the YouTube "sensations" referenced in last night's South Park episode, this is the only one I had never heard of.



What I wouldn't give to still be unaware...

Um, "thanks" Bill?

Here are the rest:







My favorite:




This one is so fucking stupid


Classic


Totally infectious


My second favorite

What what, in the butt...

Speechless.

We wahz rawbbed

KSK brings back the Patriot fan.

Seriously, that's the best accent ever.

YANKEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!!

That is all.