Don't ask, don't tell

Also, don't dare show your face in public because some cocksuckingmotherfuckingpieceofshitdouchebagwasteofhumanity civilian co-worker might see you with your girlfriend at Target when you were off duty and start an e-mail campaign to get you kicked out of the military.

Incompetence defined

Only the Bush administration would start an Arab-language propaganda machine news network, and staff it with people who have no background in TV, broadcasting, and the Middle East.

Are you really surprised it's not just a failure, but a full-blown tragicomic disaster?

Better to know your enemy?

TJ sent me this link to Mass Equality, an LGBT action group.

Listen to the audio clip.

Something tells me that hateful asshole identifies as "Christian" and "Republican." Just a hunch.

Shoo! Shoo!

Republican "values" in action.

Don't bring up my gay son when I talk about hating Teh Ghey!

America the disgusting

You know what I would like? I would like our tourism industry to collapse entirely. I want a complete and total destruction of the US economy, and I want it now. Real estate, tourism, manufacturing, service, everything. I mean, we're already 50% of the way there, let's just let it all go. Let's complete the job of turning "republican" into a profanity.

Seriously, why the fuck would anyone want to come here, if this is the potential result?

Some key quotes:

"Ms. Cooper, 23, who had promised to show her boyfriend another side of her country on this visit — meaning Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon — eventually learned that he had been sent in shackles to a rural Virginia jail. And there he remained for more than 10 days, locked up without charges or legal recourse while Ms. Cooper, her parents and their well-connected neighbors tried everything to get him out."

"They were pretty shocked that the government could do this sort of thing, because it doesn’t happen that often, except to people you never hear about, like Haitians and Guatemalans.”

And because such “arriving aliens” are not considered to be in the United States at all, even if they are in custody, they have none of the legal rights that even illegal immigrants can claim.

One recent case involved an Icelandic woman who was refused entry at Kennedy Airport because, a dozen years earlier, she had overstayed her visa by three weeks. The woman, Erla Osk Arnardottir Lillendahl, was deported Dec. 10 after what she described as 24 hours of interrogation and humiliating treatment — locked in a cell and barred from making phone calls.

Ms. Cooper said that at the airport, when she begged to know what was happening to Mr. Salerno, an agent told her, “You know, he should try spending a little more time in his own country.”

Ten days after he landed in Washington, Mr. Salerno was still incarcerated, despite efforts by Senator John W. Warner, Republican of Virginia, and two former immigration prosecutors hired by the Coopers.

“He’s just really scared,” Ms. Cooper said in an interview last Thursday. “He asked me if Virginia has the death penalty.”

Luis Paoli, a lawyer hired by the Coopers, said there was no limit on detention while waiting for an asylum interview. But even after officials agreed the asylum issue had been a mistake, Mr. Salerno was not released.

Own this, you stupid fucking GOP voters. OWN IT. You can't cherry-pick your "republican values." You can't say "well, I'm not a racist/sexist/xenophobe/whatever, I just believe in low taxes" or some shit like that. You own all of this. You are it.

There is such a thing as too close...

Encouraging your daughter to be a porn actress: bad.

Encouraging her to work at at whorehouse: worse.

Giving her her Brazilians and other "maintenance": GAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

WHATTHEMOTHERFUCKINGFUCK!!!!

Click the picture if you really want to feel like beating the shit out of the nearest Republican...

O. M. F. S. M.

I'm trying to figure out how to embed this here, but holy fucking shit.

You MUSTMUSTMUSTMUST watch the first video here, the "beauty queen" on Wife Swap.

What's the over-under on divorces for her? I'll give you 3.5, and take the over.

What a useless piece of shit. And it's not even her fault. The blame is squarely on the shoulders of her parents. They have simply destroyed her life.

Um, dude? No. Just no.

This man needs to go hunting with Dick Cheney. Stat.

Fun Pants? Are you motherfucking kidding me? Is your ass so fucking tight from Sunday through Friday that, when you finally "let loose" on Saturday, this is what you bust out of the old armoire?

For more Brooks Brothers, and some comment hilarity, see the girls at Jezebel.

Here you go, morons

When I see a headline like this:
Angelina Jolie Nude Photo Hoax Causes 80% Of Computer Viruses

My only option is to do this:


Now, stop clicking on those bullshit e-mails, you fucking idiots. We all suffer, especially when they're bots.

Your Preznit is a fucking moron.

*headdesk*

Fuck you and the walker you rode in on...

Long but good workweek.

Today though, I had a KILLER sinus headache. No other sign of a cold or any illness, no congestion even, just a constant and very bad ache right between the bridge of my nose and just above my eyebrow. SUPER-concentrated pain. Excellent.

So on the way home, I stop at Eckerd. Bottle of Afrin sounds good right about now.

Find the aisle, go to the register. That took about 45 seconds.

Old lady at the register, fumbling through coupons. Oh boy. As if that's not bad enough, nothing seems to be happening. The clerk (also the manager) is going through the binder of UPC codes, not ringing anything up.

(Aside: the products on the counter? Milk, pudding cups, 4 spices [2 garlic salt, 2 chili powder], and a box of Magic Eraser. This is a pharmacy, remember, not a grocery store.)

(Aside 2: I am not exaggerating the times here. I promise.)

After about 3 minutes of nothing but the clerk searching through the inventory binder, she finds something. Scans the UPC. The register spits out some tape.

"And here's your raincheck for the raisins, ma'am."

BECAUSE RAISINS MUST BE ON FUCKING SALE AT ECKERD THIS WEEK!!

Shuffle through some more pages, about another minute. Eureka! Scan. Beep. Register prints something.

"And here's your raincheck for the lightbulbs, ma'am."

Did I mention the pharmacy part yet?

Back to the binder. Another minute. Do you have any idea how long a fucking minute is in "very tired with a severe headache" time? Found it! Scan. Beep. Register.

"And here's the raincheck for the" (I shit you not) "ant traps."

OK. 5+ minutes, we can start ringing out your milk and spices and pudding.

I want to cry. Or kill someone. I haven't decided yet.

Everything is bagged, and in the old witch's cart.

The register goes fuck-nutty. Starts spitting out tape like there's no tomorrow. Manager/clerk manages to stop it. But oops! Sale didn't take.

"I'm sorry ma'am. I need to scan your purchase again."

Does Eckerd sell guns? Because I sure need one right about now. Let me check the circular, maybe there's a coupon.

Out of the cart comes a quart of milk. A shaker of garlic salt. Another shaker of garlic salt. A shaker of chili powder. Another shaker of chili powder. A 4-pack of pudding cups. And a box of Magic Eraser.

Scan, scan, scan, scan, scan, scan, scan.

We are well over, literally, 9 minutes now. Not a single fucking "Mary to your register please," nothing. One register. One manager. One old bat and her "groceries," coupons, and fucking rainchecks.

That'll be $6.98.

I swear on the two or three things I hold sacred, if that woman had broken out a checkbook at that moment, I wouldn't be blogging right now unless my jail cell had a computer.

Phew. Going for cash. But still, after all of this, its took until she was actually asked for money for her to even think about, oh, I don't know, taking her wallet out of her purse. (Had the fucking coupons ready though.)

OK, feeble hand goes into purse. Feeble hand pulls out wallet. Feeble hand goes into the cash part. Pulls out a five. Hands it to clerk. Goes back into wallet. Pulls out a single. Hands it to clerk.

Uh-oh.

Don't you fucking THINK about going for the coins. Don't even do it. Please.

She thought about it. She opened the coin thingy. Took a glance. Apparently not enough, because she went for another dollar bill after a few seconds of contemplation.

I was covertly ready with a dollar bill in my hand (hidden in my pocket). I don't know if I would have actually gone through with it if she had dumped some coins on the counter trying to find 98 cents. I think I would have. But I don't know. I was this close to just collapsing onto the floor in the fetal position, silently whimpering to myself. It was one or the other, really.

But I just may have slapped that seventh dollar on the counter and said "here it is, put the 2 pennies in the GAP/TAP tray."

Honestly, no exaggeration, 15 minutes later I walked out of there with my $7.99 bottle of Afrin.

9 days out of 10, I would have put it down and gone to Target or Price Chopper half-way through that abortion of a shopping experience. But I was just so desperate, and so hopeful that it would all end, I stayed.

Stupid, stupid me.