A douche off the ol' block

I think we have a new leader in Douchebags - Punchable Face Division.



Come on, you know you this is don't you? If you do, congrats, but if you don't, please do take a minute to ponder before you go reading his douchetastic story.

Really, you know who this douche is, even if you don't.

This is pretty impressive

If you've never played golf, you have no idea how difficult this is; I'm actually surprised a pro was willing to fuck with his swing for this kind of thing.

Missing link

Forgot this in the linkdump. Posnanski with a great post on Tiger, the Masters, his early days in the sportswriting business, and being assigned to the Augusta despite knowing nothing about golf.

Xtreme!

The 630-yard par 3.



Story here.

Yes, I know those guys are pros, but the fact that they even came close to the green is ridiculous. At that distance, the miss per degree off-line is 33 feet. Throw in some wind, and those shots are unbelievable.

(h/t TJ)

Crash!

So I have have the Buick Open on TV, and the cameras cut away to the California surf (fuck you), and then up to a guy flying a parasail around. Of course, he immediately goes into a death spiral and disappears over a cliff, out of the camera view.

It was a planned move, but it looked pretty damned scary. It was quite amusing how the announcers were freaking out.

The guy was flying around again a few minutes later. That was a great 5 minutes of television.

Sports fun

With Leather is cracking my shit up today.

First, this:
(Video removed. Fucking autoplay...)


Then these two golf headlines:
Freshman Talley makes best of her 2 soggy holes
Creamer in the pink after 1-stroke victory

That second story began like this:
To understand the depth of Paula Creamer’s satisfaction Sunday…


Now, I wonder if that's the tournament with this trophy:


Yes, I'm 12. Why do you ask?

Where were we?

Oh, yeah. Working like a fucking dog again. Office by day, working at home until 1 or 2 or 3 in the morning every night.

Hence the radio silence.

~~~~~

Let's start a shuffle while I spew.

Kings of Leon - Holy Roller Novocaine (Youth and Young Manhood)
In my KoL top 5. Filthy, filthy groove. Come on baby, you and me, let's get together and do the nasty. Ah, but "Lord's gonna get us back." The band consists of the three brothers and the cousin Followill. They come from a long line of Pentacostal preachers, and grew up steeped in deep-South religion. This conflict of the rock-n-roll life with their upbringing comes up quite often in their lyrics.

Judas Priest - Diamonds and Rust (Unleashed in the East)
What fucking power he had. This album is stupendous because of Halford alone.

Stevie Wonder - Superstition
Stevie Wonder's a musical genius!!!!! There aren't many booty shakers above this on the all-time list of booty shakers.

Black Crowes - Hard to Handle (Shake your Moneymaker)
Yesaroun'
I haven't heard this in 3+ years, I'd guess. Holds up pretty nicely all these years later.

Talking Heads - Slippery People (Stop Making Sense)
One of the all time great bands. I fuckin' love David Byrne. A freaky, freaky genius. And what a concert this was. Seriously, if you've never watched this movie, do yourself the favor. Beautifully conceptualized and filmed. This is my favorite song from it.

Franklin Micare Trio - Coconut Woman
This is the band that played our wedding. Their two albums are just so good. Amazing what you can find locally, if you look. I remember when he had just moved into the area, and played Rolls for the first time, just him and his guitar. At the end of the night, I turned to Tom, the bartender/owner, and said "you'd better make this fucking guy a regular." "Way ahead of you," he said. He wins the Metroland "best jazz vocalist" year in and year out, and puts on one HELL of a bar show.

Jimmy Eat World - The Middle (Bleed American)
Awesome. Killer hooky chorus, uplifting message, solid groove.

Robert Plant - Big Love (Manic Nirvana)
Filthy. Filthy. Filthy. Plant put out some kick-ass material post Zeppelin. Page, not so much. Remember Coverdale/Page? What a steaming pile of shit that was. Could he have picked a worse Plant-wannabe-poseur? I think not. Also, nice way to admit you got nuttin'.

Jerry Lee Lewis - Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On
Shake it baby, shake it.

Ramones - Rockaway Beach
OK, who wrote the best 2-minute songs? These guys, or Buddy Holly? That's a tough call.

Public Enemy - Can't Truss It (Apocalypse '91 - The Enemy Strike Black)
All right all right
Bass in your face
Not an eight track
Gettin' it good to the wood
So the people
Give you some a dat
Reactin' to the fax
That I kick and it stick
And it stay around
Pointin' to the joint put the Buddha down
Goin' goin' gettin' to the roots
Ain't givin' it up
So turn me loose
But then again I got a story
That's harder than the hardcore
Cost of the holocaust
I'm talkin' 'bout the one still goin' on
I know
Where I'm from, not dum diddie dum
From the base motherland
The place of the drum
Invaded by the wack diddie wack
Fooled the black, left us faded
King and chief probably had a big beef
Because of dat now I grit my teeth
So here's a song to the strong
'Bout a shake of a snake
And the smile went along wit dat
Can't truss it

'nuff said.

Damn those guys were good.

Scorpions - Blackout
This song is so fucking rude, but I don't care. It sounds too good to get all high and mighty about it.

I miss my Matthias Jabs striped pants.


Except mine were black and white. They were quite the sensation at Delta Phi parties. Seriously, I was just goofing around, but the ladies always had to flirt and comment. Those pants got me some.

Apostolos Nikolaidis - Panta me glyko hassisi
Wine, women, song, and good black hash. What else do you need, really?

Zagoraios - Pou Pas Memeti
Hey, it's like Two for Tuesday, Hellenic style! Another kick-ass groove. If I had to pick a favorite genre of music, it would probably be Greek "rebel" music.

Pearl Jam - Green Disease (Riot Act)
It's a disease, and they're all green
It emanates from their being
A satiation with occupation

And like weeds with big leaves
Stealing light from what's beneath
Where they have more
Still they take more

A top-5 PJ song for me. And just unbelievable live.

Ramones - Teenage Lobotomy
Now I guess I'll have to tell'em
That I ain't got no cerebellum

White Stripes - Seven Nation Army (Live Under Blackpool Lights)
This is another mind-blowing concert DVD. Watching him make all that wonderful noise with one strangely-tuned guitar and a couple pedals is crazy. Crazy good.

Limbo Maniacs - Butt Funkin'
Some random band I got from Toast. The whole album is too much to take in one dose, but this is really good shuffle stuff. Great grooves. The lyrics, well... you can surmise the maturity level from the title of this song.

Arctic Monkeys - 505 (Favourite Worst Nightmare)
A great way to close an album out. Builds slowly, a little organ, a little guitar, some rhythm section, and finish cathartically. Yes!

Bruce Springsteen - Radio Nowhere (Magic)
Yeah, this puppy holds up.

Weezer - Dope Nose (some untitled album with a color)
Hey! Another great 2-minute song band. It's the anti-Metallica competition.

Clapton and a zillion others - While My Guitar Gently Weeps (Concert for George)
Very well done tribute concert.

The Hold Steady - Stuck Between Stations (Boys and Girls in America)
An all-timer. In my top-20 songs ever, fer sure.

Gogol Bordello - 60 Revolutions (Underdog World Strike)
Where posers and models with guitars
Boogie to the shit for beats
I make a better rock revolution
Alone with my dick!

Another top-20 song. These immigrant punks kick some ass.

Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot (Employment)
Rockin', hooky, groovy, with an eminently shoutable chorus.

Masters of Reality - She Got Me (when she got her dress on) (Sunrise on the Sufferbus)
What an amazing one-off project this was. Ginger Baker hooked up with a couple buddies and put together quite a collection of tunes. This one right here is positively dangerous if you're driving. I literally put my cruise control on when this song comes up.

~~~~~

Spent last weekend in Boston, playing at my friend Tom's golf club at the annual 3-day Member-Guest Tournament.

We sucked balls. We couldn't catch a break Friday and Saturday, and the guys we played were catching all of them. We started the weekend 0 for 5. That's record futility for us. Sunday came around, and it was spoiler time. We won both of our matches, and I shot a pretty damned good 83. We slid up from the basement to 4th place of 6, so at least we won't be hearing about it for the whole next year.

Tried to hook up with oddjob. He suggested the place. We showed up at 7:45, grabbed some bar space for us and stools for the girls. I proceeded to walk around the whole establishment and the outside seating area, looking for the guy "about 6' tall, with thinning brown hair and glasses... wearing a blue short-sleeved shirt and black pants." I did this 5 times over the next hour. Nine o'clock and a $90 tab later, we left.

He was outside the whole time. How does this happen?

~~~~~

My company makes the big move next week, into some phenomenal new digs. The building used to be the largest knitting mill in the world, until a big fire. It's been sitting around all decrepit for years, because the textile industry is non-existent in the US. OK, pretty much all industry is gone. We've got the entire second and third floors of a fully-restored factory building. We're talking straight out of an HGTV show. Exposed brick and ventilation ducts, the whole 9 yards. I'll post pictures. Oh, and I get an office! Semi-private, but I actually prefer that. The better to oversee my minions. {rubs hands together and grins evil grin}

~~~~~

OK, that drum routine during the opening ceremony was outstanding.

It freaked Erica out. Gave her visions of Hitler-esque marches or something. Can't say I disagree with her, but still, awesome.

I, for one, welcome our Chinese drumming overlords. They own us already, they just haven't moved in yet.

~~~~~

Brilliant

As Posnanski always is.

Seriously, you need to read this guy. You don't even have to care about sports. You need to read this guy.

On Tiger.

UPDATE: Someone in comments there posted this link, about Tiger's days playing at the Navy course with his father. Some people just don't deserve to live. I think Tiger should go buy that course and make it "Black Only." Just for shits and giggles.

Suh-WING and a Miss!

My company is moving this summer, to a new city in a different county, so we've being doing as much PR as we can. Always good to get free press. One great decision was to sponsor the Albany-Colonie Chamber of Commerce's "Swing and a Miss" golf tournament.

What a fantastic idea. It's a scramble (of course) for brand new and non-golfers. Everyone has to start somewhere, and if you're not the confident athletic type, going out on a public course with absolutely zero game can be intimidating. (It's also not the best idea if your newbieness means you don't know golf etiquette. It's OK to suck - I do it quite often - just suck fast. That is all I and the other people behind you on the course ask.) Anyway, last year's inaugural event was so well-received that they expanded the field this year and still sold out very quickly.

Since sending 72 clueless people out there to fend for themselves would make for a long afternoon for everyone, the event places a "good" player at every tee box and every green, to help out as necessary. Swing tips, a little cheerleading, a little club advice, putt-reading, etc. Anything to make the event more fun than frustrating for the players. As the representative of the chief sponsor, I got the 9th tee.

I looked the course up online Sunday night, and the card said 146 yards; I threw an 8-iron in my car. I show up yesterday, do the meet-and-greet, and walk out to the tee box so I can get some practice shots in before I'm responsible for getting these hacks somewhere near the green. They point me to the ladies' tee box. Uh oh. I've got my 150-yard club for an 85-yard shot. Oh well. (I should have known better. Totally stupid assumption on my part.) Anyway, I choke down a bit, make a few half-swings, and pretty soon I've got the distance dialed in.

I was having a great time. All manner of people came by. Women who want to play so they can occasionally go out with their boyfriends/husbands, men and women who want to be able to go out for business purposes, and some people just giving the game a test-drive. My favorite group by far was a foursome of women from a locally-headquartered credit union. They were a riot. Filthy, filthy mouths, totally busting on each other. "You've got to choke down on the shaft!" "Go down more!" "Grip it gently." And that was just while the first of the four was on the tee. It got worse.

Then the lightning came...

The horn went off, and we all gathered in the clubhouse for drinks and to watch the US Open playoff. After the Chamber's keg got polished off, the clubhouse manager scored some major bonus point by declaring open bar for an hour while they finished getting dinner ready.

I'm not good in full-on schmoozing situations, so sitting at a table of all strangers would have really sucked. As such, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that my company also sent a foursome. Three of my female co-workers and the owner's wife were there (turns out they were on the 8th fairway when the event got called), and we hooked up inside and had a grand old time, drinking beer and generally being obnoxious to each other.

The shortened round aside, a successful event. A nice balance of business and pleasure for all, and who wants to be in the office on a Monday afternoon?

Tiger Woods? Why yes, he is the man.*

Of course, the 18-hole playoff for the US Open still wasn't enough to resolve the issue.

It took one extra hole, and one wayward drive by Rocco Mediate (giving the performance of his life), to finally finish things off on the 19th hole of the day.

What an amazing event, and Monday's play just solidified my opinion that this was the best golf event I've ever seen.

And I'm not alone.


*If you are one of the stupid fucks who still thinks "You da man!" is funny or original, or if you yell "Get in the hole" when Tiger - or anyone - is teeing off on a 613-yard par 5, I fucking hate you. This message was brought to you by Angelos, The Arbiter Of All That Is Pure And Good™.

Soccer, golf deliver stern rebuke to myopic "sports fans"

First, soccer:

For those who remember, the Greek national team won the Euro in 2004, their first ever major tournament win. In what can only be described as a highly improbable run, they beat Portugal and Spain in the group stage, lost to Russia in a meaningless group match, then beat France in the quarters, the Czech Republic in the semis, and Portugal again in the final. My father happened to be visiting at the time of the final, so we PPVed the final match and had a nice heart-attack-inducing 2 hours together.

This year, returning as defending champs, they regressed to the mean and have already been eliminated from knock-out round contention, with a meaningless game against Spain remaining.

I've watched as much as I can, what with not working from home anymore and home projects galore (put the last of the bamboo flooring down this weekend), but I forgot this morning's early game because of all the stuff to do around here.

My brother called me early in the second half of today's Czech Republic - Turkey match though and told me I had to watch, the offenses on both sides were just going nuts. The Czechs had a 2-0 lead, but the Turks had been pressuring and pressuring in a highly entertaining back-and-forth match. Sure enough, after the Czechs had a shot clank off the crossbar instead of going in for what would have been a clinching 3rd goal, the Turks went right down the field and scored to make it 2-1. And man did they keep the pressure up. Chance after chance fell by the wayside, total craziness, until they managed to tie the game with 3 minutes remaining in regulation. I get up to refill my beer, planning on settling in for a PK shootout, and Turkey scores again!!! Amazing. Turkey advances to the knockout stage, the highly-ranked Czechs go home. The ultimate winner, though, was the fan. What a friggin' game.

In other news, this was probably the best weekend of golf I've ever seen. Tiger Woods (perhaps you've heard of him), in his first tournament play since April, sunk a HUGE clutch putt on the last hole to force an 18-hole playoff tomorrow. Why is that anything more than business as usual for Tiger? Well, mainly because he had no business being on that course. He has obviously not fully recovered since the knee surgery he had after the Masters, and
was doubled over in pain after every tee shot, and some of his longer irons - every power shot, really. If this had been any tournament but a major, he wouldn't have been there.

The shots he pulled off Friday and Saturday on the back nine, and the gutty grinding he did on Sunday, made this an even more compelling watch than his 15-stroke destruction of the field at the US Open at Pebble Beach in 2000. There just are no words for this guy that haven't been used ad nauseum already.

I'm quite sure I will never see a man as good at any sport as Tiger Woods is at his.

This happens to me all the time.

If I had a dollar for every time a masturbating kangaroo interrupted my golf game...